An Answer For Caity

I met someone through this blog months ago. A new friend. We are 10 years apart in age; she is younger. Our interests are incredibly similar as are our thoughts. I never dreamt to meet a friend through this blog. I honestly never thought a friendship would blossom from me stumbling across a webpage. I never thought I'd 'meet' someone who is so similar to me, yet she is so wise beyond her years. I always think it's harder to trust as you get older, so making a friend is difficult.

Not with Caity. We just clicked. I think we're on the way to becoming good friends. I like that she asks me things and I hope she doesn't mind me giving her advice. I also like that she makes me forget that people I actually know read this blog, but I'm still able to write about my deepest darkest fears as well as my hopes and dreams.

She has asked me a question. Ironically, it's a question I've been asking myself a lot in recent months. My mother asked it of me just the other day. I don't have the strength to tell her my aspirations. I think she thinks I'm destined to be an office worker for the rest of my life. I pray I won't be. I'm afraid she wouldn't understand my dreams. Caity would. And for that, this answer's for you...

I have always loved movies. Always. I go to the cinema once a week. One week, when I was living in Toronto, it was snowing and I was so bored I went every day. It is my personal best, seven days in a row. Before that, it was five days. But I didn't mind, because I'm so passionate about movies.

When I was younger, I dreamed of being an actress. I wanted to be on the big screen or do theatre. One of my drama teachers told me when I was 16 that I should get an agent. I never did. That is my biggest regret. You are already living a life I would love, Caity. You are getting the experience and putting yourself out there. Some days, when I read you blog, I feel that I am living vicariously through you. I wonder if you mind?

I often still dream of being an actress, but I'm 27 now. Well on the way out for Hollywood. And I just don't have the physique. The dream is still there, but I am now certainly convinced that that is all it'll ever be. Some days I accept it, most days I don't. Still, I try to move on to a different dream. Still in the entertainment industry, but taking a different direction. I wonder if it's too late. I'm crossing my fingers and toes and hoping it's really not. I have just found out one of the ladies I work with is leaving her career that she's been in for 10 years to start afresh. She's off to study to become a teacher. She's 38. If that's not an incentive, I'm not sure what is.

I want to write movie scripts. I want to write plays. I want to write short stories. I want to write about travelling. Basically, I just want to write. I wrote a short 15 minute play when I was only 15 years old. It won second prize for the State. I haven't written like that since. I have a few ideas for some scripts. A couple of good comedy lines. A drama piece that I hope will have you thinking about it long after you've seen it, but I don't know if it should be for the stage or screen. Also, I'm not sure how to get the thoughts from my head onto paper. My confidence and self esteem are not where they should be and I always ask myself 'Who on earth would want to read what I've written?'. I fear it's not interesting. Boring. Mundane even.

I also didn't study writing at university (even though I have a major in drama and did a semester on scriptwriting). Because I haven't studied it, I wonder if I can take it up as a profession? I have recently been given advice by a writer I know to 'put myself out there' and send out parts of my writings to publishers and see if anything happens. It won't happen overnight, that much I know, but I need to learn perserverence. I need to learn patience. I need to learn confidence. Most importantly, I need to stop procrastinating.

I understand with a job like this there is a lot of travelling involved, research and what not. I'm sure there'd be days when I mind. I'm of an Italian background, so family is very important to me. But I'm of the new generation and understand that getting a job nowadays - especially that dream job - means you'll probably have to move away from family and friends and all things that you find comfortable. It's difficult, but I've been doing it for about 4 years now. I travel, go home and make some money and then travel again. As hard as it is, it's a lot easier than it sounds, what with telephones and emails. And at the end of the day, home is only a plane ride away.

I just want to be happy. I don't want to do this job for the money or the fame, I want to do it because it's what I want to do. I don't want to have to wake up in the mornings and wonder why I'm doing a job I don't want to do. I don't want my first thought in the morning to be a curse word because I'm getting up to go somewhere I don't want to be. I don't want to have to keep thinking 'What if?...'. If I had the choice to be an unhappy dot com executive making millions of dollars or a cleaner making less who is contented with life and has a loving network of family and friends, I'm the kind of person who'd choose to be the cleaner. I just want to be happy.

So that's my dream job. Writing. Script writing in particular. It's hard to get into and I wonder how I'll deal with 'writers block', but there's plenty of time to worry about that. I think this is the year to start working towards it. God knows it's just not going to fall into my lap. So although I haven't found it yet, I hope I eventually will.

I hope one day I'll walk that red carpet with you, if you'll let me.

I didn't mind you asking. I'm glad you did. Infact, I was wondering when you would.

I hope your question's answered now.